Arizona Drivers: A True Story


A Funny Arizona Driver Story Involving a 4×4 Pickup Truck

4x4 Pickup Trucks in Arizona

I saw the funniest thing I’ve EVER seen anyone do in a 4×4 truck this morning! But before I get into the story, I have to provide some background for those who aren’t familiar with life in Arizona.

How Planted Plants Survive In Arizona

There are urban areas of the desert that appear “green” compared to outlying desert areas. Any plant that is aesthetic in Arizona was planted by a person, likely to add to the illusion of not living in a desert. You’ll see a clump of trees here and there, lots of golf courses, grassy horse pastures, etc.

Arizona needs canals like this to surviveNow, in order for these plants to survive they need water, right? Water is scarce in Arizona and the Colorado River is the water lifeline to the Phoenix area. For each and every plant and blade of grass planted in the desert, it must have a source of water. Each tree usually has its own drip line and grass has sprinklers. There are some areas, particularly where there are horse properties, that have irrigation canals as a source for watering their pastures. It’s the craziest thing, and I’d never seen such a thing until I moved here. The irrigation canals run like veins throughout the desert, allowing farmers to grow cotton, hay, etc. Also, many horse owners irrigate their property with it.

The way the irrigation canals work is the property owner buys water by the hour. No, I’m not kidding. They pay for each hour water flows from the canal into their pasture, and they have to sign up for a time slot a month in advance. Sometimes the water will overflow from their property onto the street causing a small puddle across the roadway.

Still with me? Good! Let’s explain the second half of this story.

Urban 4×4 Trucks In Arizona

After moving to Arizona, I noticed a large number of 4×4 trucks in the area. I didn’t really understand why there were so many 4×4’s, and I still don’t! Back home, people who drove 4×4’s had them for practical purposes: hunting/fishing trips, being able to drive in the snow, “mudding”, etc. In Arizona it seems 4×4’s are purchased for the status of having a large vehicle. To their credit, there are those who like to go off-road at the sand dunes at the Arizona/California border. However, those sand dune trips are about 3-4 hour drives away. If someone were try to go off-road in the urban areas (where many of the 4×4’s are seen), they’d have the police called on them in a heartbeat.

This is a typical pickup truck often seen in Arizona

Take a look at the picture of this white pickup truck. It is a very typical vehicle seen in the Phoenix area. Most 4×4’s you see around town are white trucks, lifted, customized and usually covered with stickers. In particular the “got sand?” stickers are VERY popular. Sometimes I just want to pull up next to them, roll down my window, and say, “Why, yes I do have sand! Would you like some?”

Other typical stickers on these trucks are “FOX”, “Fear This”, a tattoo shop sticker, “SoCal”, “NoCal”, “SRH”, etc. It just depends on what kind of douche you’re dealing with and what they’re into. Arizonans like to broadcast and display their interests in the form of window and bumper stickers.

Let’s not forget personalized license plates! I have never seen so many personalized license plates in any other part of the country! Again, people like to have something witty, advertising their interests. This is one of the few forms of communication between drivers in Arizona, because no one will wave at you, look at you, allow you in front of them or use turn signals. At least they’re nice enough to give us some good reading material when we’re stuck behind them.

The “Punchline”

I know, that’s a lot of background to go over just for a silly Arizona driver story! It had to be laid out for the readers who are not familiar with the Arizona way of life!

Anyway, while driving out and about, I saw it was irrigation day along a particular street. One property had a little too much water and there was a trickle of water crossing the street. Nothing major at all, and barely flowing. Visualize a water hose left on, and that’s how much water was crossing the street. I crossed the water at about 50 mph with no problems, and why would there be?

A large jacked up 4×4 truck was approaching me from the other direction, and I noticed it slow down considerably. At first, I thought they perceived a danger I didn’t see (coyote, children, etc). As the truck passed me in the opposite direction, I noticed it slowed to about 5 mph. The truck then “tip-toed” across the water, riding the brakes the entire way. I mean, you don’t want that big 4×4 to get out from under you and sliding off the roadway! After the 4×4 crossed the trickling water, it continued on and built up speed. I literally asked myself, “Did that just happen?”

Really? Someone who owns a lifted 4×4 truck is afraid to cross a trickle of water on the street? It was hardly a puddle! Amazing! I thought for sure a driver of a 4×4 could handle that.

The point of this story is it appears most Arizona drivers own 4×4 trucks just for the looks and status of it. There are practical truck drivers in Arizona, and you usually see them hauling things in the bed of the truck and/or pulling a trailer. I fall into that category. I own a truck because I need to haul things and pull trailers.

Identifying a Douche Truck

If you look at this check list and if any of the following apply, you too will be able to easily identify an Arizona douche truck:

  1. The truck has a large amount of bumper and/or window stickers
  2. The truck is lifted with huge tires
  3. The driver is wearing a flat-bill hat sideways or backwards
  4. The driver is a male with piercings
  5. The driver is wearing a wife-beater shirt to show off his tattoos
  6. Music is blaring and the windows are down
  7. The bed of the truck is empty
  8. There is no trailer attached to the truck
  9. The driver has difficulty driving on anything other than dry pavement
The above are all indicators of a douche truck with a douche bag driver, indigenous to Arizona.

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8 thoughts on “Arizona Drivers: A True Story

  1. marysparacinobortel says:

    You make me laugh! Hilarious! Maybe they just washed it and didn’t want water to splatter all over it! But that’s pretty sissy anyway for a truck driver!! LOL! You hate AZ as much as I do! God, only people like us can relate. It’s all so irritating!! hahaha! GET ME OUT OF HERE!

  2. kristasta says:

    Wow, I really shouldn’t have read this while drinking my coffee… I nearly choked from laughing out loud… this was great as usual 🙂

  3. No Arizona says:

    Thanks for reading! The funniest stories are usually true stories! 🙂

  4. guest1 says:

    One of the points about how to tell it’s a douche-truck is that the bed has a liner and the liner is perfectly clean with NO scratches. Have you driven with these people when it rains??? You’d think it was D-Day. There is no happy medium with them – either they are crawling like ants (for no reason) or they are speeding like the crackheads that they are, when they should be exercising some caution.

  5. Raised_In_PHX says:

    From high up in their macho trucks, they like to look down inconspicuously at the occupants of cars. But when the car occupants look back up at them, the macho truck guys get offended.

  6. Nala eyak says:

    I am a resident of floriduh, my wife and I recently took a trip to Sedona Arizona. The roads are great, love the wide well paved highways…but, unfortunately in my experience -at least the drivers I encountered were very rude. This happened more than once but while going south on I10 we encountered the usual mid day traffic with areas of construction. I make it a point to drive the left lane as much as possible. There were several areas where the left lane ended due to construction so I turned on my blinker to merge into the center lane. When I did, all the vehicles tightened ranks to keep me out. I was thinking wtf, I mean damn. Each time I had to make a risky move to get in the center lane. On the third occasion I saw an opening and began to merge when the old guy tightened up blocking my merge. I had enough so I opened the passenger window and said thanks a lot a$$ hole – I be damned if he didn’t stop and wave me in. Weird experience, other than that I love it out west.

  7. Nala eyak says:

    Should have said it was in Phoenix.

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